The good news is that Juan’s anti-aging skin cream appears to be working. He applied the greasy lotion liberally to problem areas, studiously avoiding eye contact with reflective surfaces as directed. He’s traded in his relaxed-fit Wranglers for the tighter boot-cut variety and plans to purchase a sweeping Sam Elliot moustache. Locomotion is restrictive but bowling alley Jezebels will appreciate the view, especially when hip gyrations help hop his sixteen pounder toward the all important sweet spot.
__________________
Warren Buffett, the Mutual of Omaha, doesn’t know what a derivative is. This makes Juan feel better about the prospects for economic recovery. Long ago he concluded that Larry Kudlow and his dance partner, Jim Cramer, are full of shit. He’d like to think that Erin Burnett’s financial reporting is shit-free, but there’s something about her shade of lipstick that makes him jumpy. Perhap Fox is providing savvier stock tips. Suffice it to say, following CNBC’s advice has led Juan to experiment with Strong Heart as an entrée alternative. Drinking cheap gin before digging in seems to retard the canned horse meat’s pre-gulp appeal. Dry dog food topped with evaporated milk was a non-starter.
Glenn Beck, the Moloch of Meatball, doesn’t know the difference between genetics and eugenics. Glenn’s outrage over rescinding the ban on stem cell research was like listening to Elizabeth Hasselbeck wax fruity on the morally superior way to dip baby poop. Madame Rosa is right: Giving dumb white people access to the airwaves never ends well.
Juan’s local talk radio station is hosting Beck’s “We Surround Them”… event (?). Speculation abounds as to what stunt Beck has planned. One of the Daily Kos diarists thinks the nut will stage his “arrest”; high drama, indeed. A more realistic skit would have Glenn’s family file onto the set and plead for his immediate return to rehab. Juan is mulling over attending the… event (?). But what does the typical paranoid crank wear? It’s doubtful the Beckites would dig Juan gliding through in pretty sun dress, his patchy mop adorned with tinfoil tierra. (The pretty sun dress is accentuated with cowboy boots or flip-flops, depending on the day’s horoscope; weather conditions can also play a determining factor, even if his horoscope predicts Scorpio rising bodes well for exposed toes wooing a little strange). Juan will probably opt for his all-purpose ensemble -- the one he wears to funerals, weddings and his yearly appearance at SATOP reunions. Who knew his blue “High on Life and Glue” tee shirt would become akin to Mrs. Juan’s “little black dress”? High Fashion Tip: The tee shirt goes best with Ryan Seacrest Capri pants. They’re available at inthecloset.com
Sean Hannity has found his soul mate in Victoria Jackson. They do make a cute couple. David Lynch, Juan’s old Bocci ball partner, ‘Twittered’ the semi-reclusive, part-time Tuli Kupferberg impersonator expressing interest in collaborating on scenarios that exploit the duo’s on-camera chemistry. Because of lawyers, Juan can’t share the details but here’s his two cents: Place a Bunsen burner and matches between them, and then shout, “Action!”
Swear to Gosh, Juan’s 3/11/09 horoscope:
“Your routine has gotten beyond boring right now, and today you are going to be in desperate need of some high energy or some high drama to keep you interested. So, head right now for your nuttiest and wackiest friend today. Find out what they’ve got going on -- and if you can get in on the action! Get out and get cooking on something new“.
______________________________________
Looks like its cowboy boots! Duck!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment