Barn Burners

Juan offers crisp pipe-tip to Satirical Review for succinctly describing this past week’s GOP kook-fest as “One Flew over the CPAC Nest”.

If crazy could be turned into clean fuel, CPAC could solve the planet’s energy crisis before their Jesus returns to even the score with high-octane barrels of whoop ass. As a sign that CPAC is expanding its base, registered sex offenders convicted of molesting non-Caucasian kids can now participate in Tom Delay’s popular racial profiling seminar, where attendees learn how to quickly detect tanned Republicans from mud people. (Evidently, John Boehner was roughed up last year). Aware that the Obama Depression has nicked the pockets of insurrection-loving conservatives, Delay graciously accepted ammunition in lieu of cash, prompting a run on on his patented “Barney Frank-Off” bug spray. Delay could not accept plastic explosives as payment because of a particular ATF regulation that prohibits unstable paranoids from transporting packets of C-4 via black trench coat. Where will it end? Juan has buried his bazooka. Chow Acre will suffer famine should Obamacons take away his best chance for procuring poached deer -- and other unidentifiable chucks of charred meat.
There were touchy moments. Heidi Grossentuber was disappointed Delay dodged her notion that Desi Arnaz Cubans pose the same threat to white civilization as Bill Cosby Negroes. Resplendent in camouflage jumper and flattering .50 caliber bullet earrings, she questioned his commitment to ethnic cleansing. While buffing her daughter’s shaved head with car wax, Heidi expressed confidence that Ann Coulter’s clinic would be less open-minded.

Newt Gingrich, mentally refreshed after bouncing recycled curiosa off used bricks, wowed the crowd, as did 13 year old Jonathan Krohn. Gerhardt Felchersen was so taken with young Krohn’s piddle several Concerned Women took turns guarding the john should the prodigious lad’s bladder swell. Showcasing just how in tune conservatives are with Hip-Hop culture, Rep. Michele Bachmann and Alan Keyes reprised Amos and Andy radio skits to good natured jeers. (John Bolton’s “nuking Chicago” punch line was such a hit, Koch Industries presented the imaginative diplomat with pliers made from radioactive dross).

The highlight of the event occurred when a fat, sweaty man, dressed in an ill-fitting black Orson Welles ensemble, accepted the rabble’s prestigious Knute E. Fucher Award. Felchersen, who waited in line five hours to press his lips against the honoree‘s displaced brain pan, said he’d never brush his tongue again.

Sunday reading: Check out The Big Picture’s “Santelli’s Planted Rant?” Spontaneous “populism” my draft-dodging butt.

Juan